MIracles

Today I am grateful. Thank you God, for my child.

I have been talking with one of the ladies at work and she was telling me about her friend who has been trying so hard to have a baby. Eight long years of doctors and tests and she is finally pregnant.

I remember it well. I’m so very blessed to have my little Mo in my life. We struggled with infertility for several years. We lost three babies, the specialists told us we would never have a biological child. What a devastating sentence that is.

I remember crying, screaming when I was home alone. Hating the world. Hating all of my friends and family for their beautiful healthy babies, that seemed to come so easily to them. Teenage girls can have babies, why couldn’t I?

I remember thinking “What have I done to deserve having this happen to me?” When the days were at their hardest, when I believed I would never have a child and railed at how unfair it all was. Why me God, what did I ever do to deserve this? Why am I not good enough? Now I think, what have I done to deserve being her Mom? I’m in no way worthy of having this wonderful human being call me Mom, but I am thankful every minute for that privilege.

Infertility treatment was a nightmare and the best thing that ever happened to me, all rolled into one. A nightmare because no one should ever have to live through that hormonal roller coaster, and that includes the husbands of us crazy women, a nightmare because you can’t help but hope, dream, think that this time everything is going to be ok. The best thing because of Mo. Thank God for IVF. My beautiful perfect little test tube baby.

I should try harder to remember this when she is making me crazy. I love my beautiful baby girl in all her grown up teenage, eye rolling, messy room, back talking, attitude bound self. She is the sun that shines in my world and I am thankful and blessed.