Springtime Rituals

Ah, it's that wonderful dreadful time of year again. I love spring, I check every day to see the progress of my spring flowers, play in the garden every warm day, start greening up the lawn, thinking about bbq's and friends, the sound of children's laughter, everything is wonderful. Except for one day- swimsuit shopping with my teenage daughter.

I remember in the good old days ( before middle school ) when swimsuit shopping consisted of finding a cute little swimsuit with her current favorite Disney character on it and putting it in her Easter basket. She was always so excited, the Easter bunny knew her so well, and she would put that little swimsuit on and play dress up in it for the month or so before it was actually warm enough to wear it outside, sometimes she even slept in it.

Not anymore. As soon as it's warm enough that my thoughts turn to gardening, her thoughts turn to swimsuits and boys. How did this happen? Why doesn't she still think that Prince Charming is who she is going to marry instead of that boy who's hair is always in his eyes and needs a belt?

So, today we are off to the mall, as soon as she is finished showering and primping, to find this years must have swimsuit. My must have and her must have are very different so this is not always a pleasant shopping experience. For instance, my must have is it must cover all parts of you that only your gynecologist should be familiar with, her must have, it must be small enough to serve as dental floss in a pinch.

The only ace in the hole I have anymore is " What do you think your father will say about that?" Because all though she thinks I am hopelessly old fashioned and will tell me that the other girls wear less than that to school, she would never dream of saying that to Daddy.

She is still Daddy's little girl and she doesn't want him to be disappointed, so she will put the dental floss back and get something a little less revealing, but not before trying to talk me into one swimsuit for our house and one for Daddy's. There will be no Disney characters, maybe some skulls or something else equally traumatizing to her mother.

It will start out fun but after about fifteen minutes of, " no sweetie, not that one, ummm, nope, not that one either" and a few shoves back into the dressing room before anyone sees her half naked, she will be mad enough to spit nails because I never let her buy what she likes, and I will be wishing that I had taken my doctor up on her offer of pharmaceutical help to get through my daughters teenage years.

Ah, wonderful springtime. Maybe I should have a glass of wine before we go, I'll certainly need one after!

Good morning world!!

It's another beautiful day in snowy, cold Utah- can you tell I'm freaking tired of snow? Today my thoughts turn to the men in my life, or should i say the lack of men in my life. There are three men right now who I guess you can say are "in my life" but not in a good, healthy way. I know that men say women are impossible to understand but men are just as bad. Let's look at this objectively.
Man #1, we've been dating off and on for three years, it's insane. Everytime we break up- because he cannot give the time and energy to the relationship that I need- he will chase my, call ten times a day, text, tell me how much he loves me and can't live without me, all the things I want to hear. So, we get back together, he forgets to call, can only see me once or twice a week and those times he's always late. Cancels plans because the "buddies" are doing something together, etc , etc. Then we break up and it starts all over again. This time I'm being strong, I told him , you only want me when you don't have me, so I'm just going to enjoy the attention until you get tired of chasing me and move on.
Man #2 is one of the nicest guys you will ever meet. Too nice. I know all the nice guys in the world say women don't want a nice guy, nice guys finish last, yadda yadda yadda. Well, in this case, he is nice without a personality. He is one of those men who wants to make me the sun he revolves around. He has no hobbies. no close friends, no interests except me. Every conversation we have turns into how wonderful I am. Really? I've met me, I'm not that stinking wonderful and even if I was, it gets old in a hurry. I appreciate someone telling me I"m beautiful but when he never uses my name, addresses me as beautiful or gorgeous in every email, phone call and text message- it's a little over the top. Going to dinner with this man is torture. Everyone has little stories they can tell about their day, their friends, coworkers, kids, whatever, not him. He sits and politely listens when I talk and then the rest of the meal is silence or him telling me how much he likes me. I want to vomit!
Man #3 Nice guy, this is still very very new so not really much to say. Not sure it's going anywhere but he's fun to talk to sometimes.
Can you be a nice guy and still have a personality? Where are the strong men? I'm an independent woman but that doesn't mean I want a doormat, I want someone strong enough to stand up to me. I've read every relationship book I can get my hands on and I know nothing about men, women and relationships. I don't understand.
Oh well, back to work!

Snow, snow and more snow........

I really, really wish I lived somewhere warm. Don't get me wrong, I like a white Christmas as much as the next girl, but after that, I'm tired of shoveling and sliding not to mention freezing! It's almost the end of March and here in sunny Utah Mother Nature is still laughing at us, after all, we did put Greatest Snow on Earth on our license plates, that must mean we want more, more, more!
This is my first week of what I consider my full adulthood. So many things have changed over the past five years, turning me into this grown up, now it seems that even more will change.
I have always been pretty healthy, I take care of myself, I exercise, eat fairly well, I'm petite so I watch my weigth, so everything should be fine right?
Not so much, for the last few months my left leg has been going numb, not like falling on the floor, no strength numb, more like the skin on the front of it is always falling asleep, and the bottom of my bum hurts, like I've been exercising too hard. I thought since it wasn't going away I should have it checked so I made an appointment for a physical, mentioning the leg and the bum thing and showed up full of optimism.
Now, it's a week later, I had an MRI yesterday on my lumbar spine, my blood tests are back, I have borderline high cholesterol and my vitamin D is too low? Don't you get vitamin D from sunshine? So what she is telling me is that I have a lack of sunshine in my life? Well hello! It won't stop freaking snowing! I'm trying to be optimistic about this full adulthood thing, but already it seems my body wants to betray me, and I don't even want to talk about the hot flashes!
I thought puberty was bad but it's starting to look like a piece of cake compared to this midlife thing. Of course now I'm older and wiser so I can deal with this better right? I told my daughter, on the outside I may look like your Mom but on the inside I'm still that 16 year old girl wondering if she is going to get asked to Prom. The more things change, the more they stay the same. Different problems, not acne this time, wrinkles instead. My boobs aren't growing but if I'm not careful my butt will. Who needs a period....... I wake up in a puddle of my own sweat. Maybe that is why I'm single, so some poor unsuspecting man doesn't have to sleep in my sweat.
Back to work, although I'm still trying to figure out how to date successfully now and how to understand men. I didn't understand boys and now that has transferred to men, what do they want? What do I want? And how do we make it work together?

Happy Birthday to me!

It's official, I'm a grown up. 45. How did this happen? I remember when I was thirty and I thought surely by the time i was forty I would have my s**t together. Now I'm forty-five and have no idea what it would mean to have my s**t together. Oh, on the outside it all looks good and under control. I own my home, have a good job, a kid I'm proud of, great friends, all the trappings of the grown up world. Inside, I'm 17 and wondering where the hell I am and how I got here and will there be a train or a bus or a plane, or at least instructions about how to get on with my life? Where is the serenity, the peace, the companionship, the person who knows me better than I know myself?
I'm trying not to get to nuts over the fact that I don't have anyone in my life right now. Most of the time I'm really okay with it, but then sometimes I'm not. Sometimes I wonder will I find someone to love again, and if I do, will it be that love that gives you a safe place to land or are we all so damaged by middle age that as much as we want to love another person we still spend way too much time protecting ourselves to really let anyone in?
Who will I be once my baby girl no longer needs me everyday to give her lunch money and make her dinner and take her to the mall, who will need me then? It's happening faster than I ever imagined it would, soon she will be sixteen, she is already talking about where she wants to go to college, and in her voice I hear what she doesn't say. My only child wants her space, she wants a chance to not be the center of her divorced parents world, she wants to be where I am not.
So many changes, so many things stay the same. In the meantime I will work in the garden, I love the soil between my fingers, watching things grow. Yesterday, my official birthday, four crocuses opened their little white faces to me, happy birthday, spring is here. The future is full of opportunities, I just need to figure out how to embrace them.

Men and their ways

Aaaah Friday! Since Sunday is my birthday the girls at work took me out to lunch and brought in a huge dessert, I'm about to explode.
Two things are on my mind right now, why do I want the men who don't want me, and why do the men who want me bore me to tears? Something to ponder now that I am someone else. Even as an adult it's still the bad boys I chase. The nice men, the ones who bring me flowers and take me out to dinner are very sweet, but why is it that they seem to have no personality at all? It's difficult to have a conversation with them because they seem to have no life, no hobbies, no friends. How can that be? Everyone has funny little stories they tell about their day, or their kids, or their friends, how can these men have no stories?
Back to work, more on this subject later.

And so it begins..............

Today seems like a good day to start blogging. So much is changing, I need a place to put it all so I can sort it out. I've been divorced for a while and I've changed so much, become someone else, the person I was meant to be but forgot about because I was too busy being someone's wife.

I hope I don't sound bitter about marriage, I'm not, I'm just not very good at it. Although lately it seems I am reminded of the best thing about marriage- someone is always there to hold your hand, even if he can't stand you, he will hold your hand. He'll hold your hand when the doctor says you need an MRI, when your sister finds out she has diabetes, when your teenager absolutely will not get with the program.

I'm scared of being this new grown up but I'm excited to get to know her.