My baby

How did this happen? That little tiny baby I wished for forever, is now a young woman. It doesnt' seem like that long ago the doctor's told me I would never have a biological child, and yet, here she is, beautiful and grown.

I spent yesterday thinking about 16 years ago today, when Mo was still safely growing in my tummy and I was able to protect her from the big, bad world.

Then, for a while, I was still able to protect her. I slayed all the dragons in the neighborhood to keep my girl safe and happy. No one was allowed to rain on her parade.

Now, I can't protect her. She goes out into the world every day, without me. She meets people who are rude, inconsiderate, people who are just plain mean. And sometimes, she protects me. Like flying, I hate to fly so when we fly I have a death grip on my baby girls hand and she has to patiently explain, over and over, yes, the plane is supposed to make that noise Mom, no we are not gonna crash, yes the wing thingies do that, it's normal.

I think as parents we spend so much time wondering how our babies can possibly survive in the world without us running interference for them, I'm starting to wonder how I'll survive when she leaves the nest.

Today and everyday, Mo is the greatest gift I've ever recieved and all any parent could ever ask for in a daugther.

Enjoy the day my beautiful baby, and the specialness that is you. ( No I didn't mean short bus special Mo!) Thanks for letting me be your Mommy. I love you

The cake lady

Somehow, in the course of my job as H's mom, I've become the birthday cake lady. I don't know how it happened but, if you are under 16 and know me, chances are I've made at least one of your birthday cakes.

I'm don't want you to think I'm good at this, just inventive! I can take box cake mixes, canned frosting, round and square cake pans and turn them into a birthday cake only a child can love.

I think it started with my brother T, when he was ten and crazy about the Teenage Mutant Ninja turtles, I made the four turtle heads, complete with eye scarf thingy's in the correct colors! It's snowballed from there.

So far, and just off the top of my head I have made, a bunch of balloons, a flower, Christmas lights, a castle, doll cakes, boobies ( not for the children), elmo, dora the explorer, a train, blocks, a childs name, and a football that was clearly an intoxicated mistake since it was for my neice's first birthday- the only thing that saved me was the December birthday and the Sunday party- the football looked like it was on purpose!

Why am I rambling about cakes you ask? I like cake, mixing them, baking them, cutting them, frosting them and of course eating them.

I sent a pic of the flower cake I made for B's first birthday party tomorrow, and sent it from my phone, so far, it hasn't shown up- maybe it will and you will see how immensely talented I am. Or maybe that's just better left to the imagination!

Happy Birthday to me!

It's official, I'm a grown up. 45. How did this happen? I remember when I was thirty and I thought surely by the time i was forty I would have my s**t together. Now I'm forty-five and have no idea what it would mean to have my s**t together. Oh, on the outside it all looks good and under control. I own my home, have a good job, a kid I'm proud of, great friends, all the trappings of the grown up world. Inside, I'm 17 and wondering where the hell I am and how I got here and will there be a train or a bus or a plane, or at least instructions about how to get on with my life? Where is the serenity, the peace, the companionship, the person who knows me better than I know myself?
I'm trying not to get to nuts over the fact that I don't have anyone in my life right now. Most of the time I'm really okay with it, but then sometimes I'm not. Sometimes I wonder will I find someone to love again, and if I do, will it be that love that gives you a safe place to land or are we all so damaged by middle age that as much as we want to love another person we still spend way too much time protecting ourselves to really let anyone in?
Who will I be once my baby girl no longer needs me everyday to give her lunch money and make her dinner and take her to the mall, who will need me then? It's happening faster than I ever imagined it would, soon she will be sixteen, she is already talking about where she wants to go to college, and in her voice I hear what she doesn't say. My only child wants her space, she wants a chance to not be the center of her divorced parents world, she wants to be where I am not.
So many changes, so many things stay the same. In the meantime I will work in the garden, I love the soil between my fingers, watching things grow. Yesterday, my official birthday, four crocuses opened their little white faces to me, happy birthday, spring is here. The future is full of opportunities, I just need to figure out how to embrace them.