Not the boss of me

It’s finally happened. I tried to hide it, to make my daughter think I am omnipotent but somehow, someway, she figured it out-I am not the boss of her!

Monday my beautiful Mo and I had a bit of a loud discussion about her boyfriend. I have had enough, I tried to be patient, kill him with kindness, the whole reverse psychology thing. Game over, can’t do it anymore so I broke the cardinal rule, did the thing I said I would never do.

“This is it Mo, this cannot continue, you can’t see him anymore.” Drawing myself up to my entire 5 feet 4 inches, “ I FORBID IT!”

“ Really?” as she stood up to her full 5 feet 3 ½ inch height. “ I’m 16, this is my life, my relationship, AND YOU CAN’T MAKE ME!”

Shit, she’s right, I had just hoped it would take her longer to figure that out, like after she was married.

I remember the good old days (less than 12 years ago) when I knew everything and had the final word on all subjects. Mo had all the questions and I had all the answers. Most of the time I tried to reason with her, give her a real answer to her questions.

Me- Stop putting Froot Loops up your nose.
Mo- Why?
Me- Because they will get stuck and you won't be able to breath.
Mo-Why
Me- Because you are supposed to eat them, not stick them up your nose.
Mo- Why?
Me- Because I said so.

Ah, it was a simpler time. I was the Mom so my word was law. I knew why rain falls down instead of up, I knew why carrots are good for you and dirt is not, I knew why dogs sniffed each others butts so it only stood to reason that she should do everything I say, because I knew everything.

Not so much anymore. I know nothing and I cannot make her do anything she doesn't want to do.

We know this from the very first time they run from us as toddlers, we can’t make them do anything. We can try and guide them, help them make good decisions. Try to make them think we know all and see all and that the most important thing is listening to your mother and doing what you are told. But short of chaining them in the basement we can’t MAKE them do anything.

Now we are in this weird place. I knew it was coming but I’m still not ready for it. My baby knows she is not a little girl anymore. She knows I don’t know everything, or even most things. Mo knows it is time for her to start making her own way in this world.

In less than two years my little girl will legally be an adult. She reminds me of this all the time, and tells me I need to start letting her make her own decisions and live her own life. There are still so many things to protect her from, more so it seems, than when she was a toddler.

Who decided 18 is the age when you are magically transformed into an adult? She’s not ready. I'm not ready. So the dance starts now, Mo pulling away, me trying to hang on. Mo trying to figure out the woman she will be, me only seeing the baby she was.

I will have to learn how to talk to this grown up daughter of mine in a way that lets her know that I respect the woman she is becoming but it is still my job to guide her. And Mo will have to learn to talk to this Mother of hers as an adult.

It's time for me to let her steer her own ship, to hope that the things her father and I have taught her are in there, and she hears them, to hope she respects herself, her parents and others enough to do the right thing and not just the easy thing. And to hope that eventually, we will come full circle, and she will need me again.

Until then, I will watch from the sidelines, always ready to catch her when she falls and hoping with all of my heart that she never needs me to.

I’m just not ready

My baby

How did this happen? That little tiny baby I wished for forever, is now a young woman. It doesnt' seem like that long ago the doctor's told me I would never have a biological child, and yet, here she is, beautiful and grown.

I spent yesterday thinking about 16 years ago today, when Mo was still safely growing in my tummy and I was able to protect her from the big, bad world.

Then, for a while, I was still able to protect her. I slayed all the dragons in the neighborhood to keep my girl safe and happy. No one was allowed to rain on her parade.

Now, I can't protect her. She goes out into the world every day, without me. She meets people who are rude, inconsiderate, people who are just plain mean. And sometimes, she protects me. Like flying, I hate to fly so when we fly I have a death grip on my baby girls hand and she has to patiently explain, over and over, yes, the plane is supposed to make that noise Mom, no we are not gonna crash, yes the wing thingies do that, it's normal.

I think as parents we spend so much time wondering how our babies can possibly survive in the world without us running interference for them, I'm starting to wonder how I'll survive when she leaves the nest.

Today and everyday, Mo is the greatest gift I've ever recieved and all any parent could ever ask for in a daugther.

Enjoy the day my beautiful baby, and the specialness that is you. ( No I didn't mean short bus special Mo!) Thanks for letting me be your Mommy. I love you

Letting go

High school graduation. How does it sneak up on us so quickly? This past weekend my sister, my niece, my daughter and I drove to Ruidoso New Mexico to my nephew’s high school graduation.

It still seems very surreal. Where did the time go? I remember when I was younger, when my daughter was younger, hearing people say that they still think of their children as young children, no matter their age. I thought they were crazy.

Now I know how it feels. My niece is almost 22 but when I think of her and she is not standing right in front of me, the picture of her that lives in my mind, she is about three, tiny little face and a huge mass of out of control curls, running through the house in her nightgown saying “ Maggie Simpson, Maggie Simpson, I’m gonna babysit you!” We have no idea why she said that, but it was her thing for a while.

My nephew will be eighteen in a few weeks, and just graduated from high school, he has a car, a job, a plan for college, but when I think of him, he is all dressed up climbing on the bus for the first day of kindergarten. His little boy comb over smoothly in place, holding Scooby doo because he is scared.

We all went out to dinner and we followed him because he knows the area, it seems so weird that my sister’s baby has a life we know nothing about, drives streets we’ve never been driven, eats at restaurants we’ve never seen. He valet parked his car life he had been doing it all his life. Who taught him these things that we haven’t been part of, or was he just born knowing his place is this world and navigating accordingly?

My daughter is closing in on sixteen, as she reminds me daily. I know I need to let go, she really doesn’t have a life because I’m too over protective. Her friends can come to our house but I don’t really let her run with the crowd. It’s too scary, so many things can happen. I know I need to ease up and let her have a life, every time I give myself that little pep talk, I’m right at the brink of letting go, and then I realize, I’m not ready, we still have to wait, just a little longer.

How do you let go? I know she needs to make some mistakes while I can still guide her, but the thought of her getting hurt is too much. Especially knowing that getting hurt today is way different than getting hurt when I was sixteen, and could have much longer lasting repercussions.

So, I hope one day she forgives me, I’m new at this letting go thing. When I take my niece to the trax station I still remind her not to cross in front of the train, or to watch out for cars in the parking lot, she’s twenty one and I still can’t stop.

Maybe if I had a house full of kids it would be easier, the letting go would happen naturally, almost without thinking about it because when the oldest were stretching their wings you would still be so busy with the younger ones, and then when the younger ones get to that age you would know they would be ok. Or maybe I’m just up in the night and we all lay awake and wonder how we can let our babies out the door into this mean old world without us.