Now That I'm Someone Else

LIfe and loves of the bubble bath queen

Monday, March 23, 2009

Happy Birthday to me!

It's official, I'm a grown up. 45. How did this happen? I remember when I was thirty and I thought surely by the time i was forty I would have my s**t together. Now I'm forty-five and have no idea what it would mean to have my s**t together. Oh, on the outside it all looks good and under control. I own my home, have a good job, a kid I'm proud of, great friends, all the trappings of the grown up world. Inside, I'm 17 and wondering where the hell I am and how I got here and will there be a train or a bus or a plane, or at least instructions about how to get on with my life? Where is the serenity, the peace, the companionship, the person who knows me better than I know myself?
I'm trying not to get to nuts over the fact that I don't have anyone in my life right now. Most of the time I'm really okay with it, but then sometimes I'm not. Sometimes I wonder will I find someone to love again, and if I do, will it be that love that gives you a safe place to land or are we all so damaged by middle age that as much as we want to love another person we still spend way too much time protecting ourselves to really let anyone in?
Who will I be once my baby girl no longer needs me everyday to give her lunch money and make her dinner and take her to the mall, who will need me then? It's happening faster than I ever imagined it would, soon she will be sixteen, she is already talking about where she wants to go to college, and in her voice I hear what she doesn't say. My only child wants her space, she wants a chance to not be the center of her divorced parents world, she wants to be where I am not.
So many changes, so many things stay the same. In the meantime I will work in the garden, I love the soil between my fingers, watching things grow. Yesterday, my official birthday, four crocuses opened their little white faces to me, happy birthday, spring is here. The future is full of opportunities, I just need to figure out how to embrace them.

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