Now That I'm Someone Else

LIfe and loves of the bubble bath queen

Saturday, September 26, 2009

True love in Vegas

My cousin Tink called me today, apparently her Alzheimer's is more advanced than mine because she actually forgot that I LIVED WITH HER! In her house! For quite a while! If you have ever met me you are as amazed by that as I am, I'm quite unforgettable you know.
Anyway, we started talking about my husbands, yes, that is plural and the number continues to grow. I'm nothing if not persistent, I'm determined to get this right one day. Anyway, my first husband, Danny, not only had she met, he helped her husband work on a furnace when she was pregnant with Jake but she doesn't remember him. If only my memory were so forgiving.
I mentioned my Vegas wedding and she just giggled, so Tink, this blog is for you!
After Steve and I got divorced ( husband number two in case your anal ass is keeping track) I dated the brother of a girl I had worked with for three years. Let me just say, this is never a good idea. I mean never, trust me on this. Anyway I went out with Kurt once or twice, decided I wasn't really ready to date, Steve and I had only been separated for a few months, then I never saw Kurt again.
Occasionally, just to be polite, I would asked Jessica about her brother. Well, one day she tells me he went to jail for a DUI that he never paid his fine for, yadda, yadda, yadda. "Can you write to him Carol? He has to be in there for nine months, it's not his fault, yadda, yadda, yadda, he's so bummed, he could really use a friend."
Now, I was feeling kinda bad for him, cause that's what I do you know. Every wounded man in the world just needs me to make his life complete.I can fix him! So I started writing to him, which led to visiting him. Which led to dating him again once he got out of jail. I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Anyway, we started dating and after about six weeks we went camping. Our kids were with their other parent so it was just the two of us and my dog, Shenzie.
I had a blast, we hiked, we cooked, drank some beer and got naked repeatedly in the woods. The makings of a beautiful weekend. Then, Saturday evening while he was cooking dinner he suggested we move in together. I told him I wasn't living with him or anyone else, Mo was twelve, that wasn't the example I wanted to set for her.
Kurt said, " Then let's get married."
Me " Sure, I'll marry you tomorrow." And I drank another beer.
About fifteen minutes later he looks at me and says, " Are you serious."
Me " Sure"
So Kurt dumps our dinner in the fire and starts packing up camp. I'm sitting on my ass watching him, thinking, he can't possibly be serious. Shenzie is going nuts, Kurt had given her bacon and eggs for breakfast and now he was throwing her partially cooked steaks while he was cleaning up. It was kind of funny, but it would come back to haunt me later.
A short while later he has everything thrown in the car and says, let's go get married. I jump in the car thinking " I can do this, if it's wrong, my gut will stop me, right?"
We start driving, I'm no longer drinking beer, it's coffee and rockstar, I need to stay awake so I will hear that little voice that says " What the f**k are you doing?" I'm sure it will come, so I'm not worried.
About every 50 miles or so, Kurt looks over at me and says, " Are you sure?"
I'm still waiting for that little voice so I say, " Of course, keep driving!"
By the time we get to Vegas it is 4am and I am exhausted, pre menstrual and I have to piss so bad I'm ready to pee my pants. And Shenzie is whining and farting like a banshee in the backseat.
Well, in Vegas, no one will let you use their bathroom ,they are afraid you will go in there and shoot up or something. I'm arguing with some Arab in a 7-11, telling him he can come in the damn bathroom with me, I gotta piss! No dice, he is not giving me the key. Asshole.
I get back in the car and Shenzie's whine has turned into a full fledged guttural screech. The dog had diarrhea from all the food Kurt gave her. I tell him to find somewhere for the dog to shit before she shits in the car.
We ride around, there is no grass in Vegas. Finally we find a vacant lot and pull over. I let Shenzie out and she takes off like a bat out of hell, trailing shit. I'm standing in the middle of this vacant lot while Kurt sits in the car and the dog empties everything she has ever eaten out of her bowels when I notice....... I'm surrounded by prostitutes. There is one on each corner and lots of cars slowly cruising around checking out the merchandise. All I can think is, I'm gonna die here because my dog had to shit. Not once did Kurt get out of the car.
After an eternity Shenzie is done, she runs over and is all wagging her tail and happy now, I want to kick her. I still have to piss.
Back in the car, we start cruising the strip looking for a place to get married. I told Kurt, " Find a drive through because I am not getting out of this car"
Remember, we were camping, I'm wearing sweatpants with Tigger on them that say "Wild One' on the ass and a sweatshirt that says "Is it over yet?" on the front. My hair is in a pony tail, I smell like campfire and haven't showered. I'm not getting out of the car.
Kurt finds the Little White Wedding Chapel, they tell us we need to go to the courthouse and get a license. I'm thinking " This is for real, little voice, where the hell are you?"
We go get a license. That's when I find out we currently have five marriages between the two of us, not counting the one we are about to do, but it's gonna be ok, right?
Back to the Little White Wedding Chapel, I still have to pee. In the six hours it took us to drive there I had three cups of coffee and four rockstars. I'm in serious bitch mode because I have to piss!
I'm yelling at Kurt because I gotta pee, and so I say to him " Still want to do this?"
He says yes. Dumbass.
While we are sitting in the drive through he notices there is a bathroom inside so he says, as nice as he possibly can because I'm ready to kill someone, "Baby, there's a bathroom inside."
I jump out of the car and run inside. I swear I peed for twenty minutes. While I was in there the dog jumped into the front seat and the guy who marries people came to the window, sees Kurt and the dog and says, "Dude, we can't marry you to your dog."
When I come out Kurt is laughing his ass off, explaining to the guy that he doesn't want to marry the dog, he wants to marry me.
I'm still pissed off about the over extended bladder so being the blushing bride that I am I say, " Can we just do this?"
Then I remember that I told my mother if I ever got married again it would be at the drive through in Vegas, by Elvis. So I asked for Elvis. The guy at the window said Elvis was sleeping but if we wanted to come back at 9 he would marry us.
Oh, hell no, get this shit over with. So man in the window reads his little pre prepared speech about marriage being forever and not to enter into this lightly (we are in the drive through after all) I'm just wishing he would shut up and hurry, The dog is whining again so I know at any time there may be explosive diarrhea in the back seat.
I agree to everything he says and next think I know, he tells Kurt to kiss his bride.
Holy shit, I'm married. Now the fun really begins, but you will have to wait until tomorrow to hear about how I got divorce and arrested for domestic violence. I can only take so much remembering in one night.


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