Happily ever after.....NOT!

We're married! Woo hoo! It's 6 a.m. and I'm a little delirious from lack of sleep so I'm still thinking this is fun! We start making phone calls, me first, I call my parents:
Me : Hi, Mom, guess where I am?
Mom, "Camping"
Me "Vegas"
Mom "What are you doing in Vegas"
Me " I got married"
Mom s i l e n c e. My mother is rarely speechless. "Clarence, pick up the phone, your daughter just got married in Vegas"
Dad, "Angie?"
Mom " No, Missi, pick up the phone."
Dad " Hello"
Me " Hi Daddy"
Dad "Are you drunk"
Me " No, Daddy, I'm not drunk"
Dad " Is he?"
That pretty much summed up the conversations we had with our family on the ride home. One of my sisters would only say "Shut the fuck up, you did not" over and over and over again. She said it every time I tried to say something.
So we rode home, giggling from our lack of sleep, ready to begin our lives together. But first, we must tell our children. Mo was 12 and just for future reference it is NOT a good idea to leave your child with their other parent for the weekend and come back married. Not a good idea at all.
I woke up the next morning, our first morning waking up together as man and wife, and he was laying there, still asleep, on my side of the bed, drooling a little on my pillow and all I could think was " You're really never gonna go home are you?" Shit
So after such an auspicious start is it surprising that we didn't live happily ever after?
In the first week of wedded bliss I found out my husband had two problems, ok, two OTHER problems, working and drinking. Way too much of one and way too little of another. No, he wasn't a workaholic.
Fast forward two and a half months, I get home from work at ten and find my new husband passed out on the floor and my twelve year old locked in her room, she's scared of stupid drunk people, who knew?
Anyway, I take the keys out of his pocket, drag his drunk ass to the front porch, lock the door and leave him there. If only that were the end, but no, he had to come back for his things.
When he comes back he is in rare form, yelling and stomping and snorting fire, I'm trying to ignore him. I'm carrying boxes because I'm moving and he is standing in the doorway yelling. I tell him to get out of my house. He says, make me.
Ok, I put the box down and try to push him out of the doorway. He's 6 feet tall and about 200 pounds, needless to say, it didn't work, but he did get a disgusted look on his face and walk outside.
I go back to moving and the police show up. I'm thinking they are there because of all the yelling, how naive I am.
Officer Friendly " Do you live here?"
Me "Yes" but thinking, no Einstein, I always move other peoples shit.
Officer Friendly "Is that your husband?"
Me "Yes"
Officer Friendly "You wanna tell us whats going on here."
So I tell him an abbreviated version, we're moving, he wanted to argue, yelling, get out, yadda, yadda, yadda.
Officer Friendly " He says you pushed him"
Me " Yes, I pushed him"
Officer Friendly " Where was he when you pushed him"
Me "Right here"
Officer Friendly " And where did he end up?"
Me " Ummmm, right here, he's a bit bigger than me"
That's when I found out that your first instinct should be to lie to the nice officer because not only had I pushed him, but I admitted to it so now I had to be arrested.
WTF!!! You're kidding right? Not kidding apparently. Officer Friendly takes me to the patrol car while his buddy talks with my wonderful husband. I sit in the car give the officer all the information he asks for, he gives me a citation for disorderly conduct and walks me back to the apartment.
As we are walking back we walk right past my husband and the other officer. My wonderful husband says "I'm really sorry about all this."
I turned and looked at him, I wanted so badly to call him a pussy, but with an officer holding my arm and a citation with a court date on it in my hand, that didn't seem like the best course of action.
Instead I sweetly smiled at him and said " It's ok Sweetie, I understand why you would be afraid."
The cops laughed like mad men, which made it so worth it. And that is how I got divorced and arrested for domestic violence. I had to go to anger management for a year, which really pissed me off. But I learned my lesson and my family got a huge laugh out of it, the joke with my sisters now is " Don't make her mad, she might push you."
So children, what have we learned? Never, ever admit anything, even when you haven't done anything wrong. The cops asked me if Kurt hit or pushed me,I said no, because he hadn't but when they asked if I pushed him I said yes, the truth, again. Before they left the cops told me, once they stopped laughing, if I had denied it nothing would have happened, his word against mine and all of that good stuff. Instead it cost me over a thousand dollars to hear my therapist at anger management say " Well, we dont' think you have anger or violence issues, if anything, you need to be more assertive." Really? Isnt' that what got me into this?